I like art that isn’t like this.
I like a different kind of art, you know, proper art.
I like art which solves problems and heals the sick. I like it when art has a function, and a purpose. I don’t like art that tells me what I need, or what I like.
I do like art to make suggestions about what I might like. I like art that can cure minor illnesses, that can clean up the sick from the floor of the waiting room.
I like art that cooks me dinner, and does the washing up afterwards. I like art that isn’t too noisy, or too bright or smelly. I don’t like art with too many big ideas, but I want something that looks nice, that lots of people can enjoy.
I like art that understands me, that respects what I’ve been through. I like art that wants to learn from my experiences, that wants to help me, but not in any way which undermines my existing achievements.
I like art that tucks me in at night. I don’t want art that tries to wake me up by smashing my wing-mirror off as it speeds past, or causes a disturbance whilst I’m having quiet time.
I like art that is like the art that happened before, a kind sort of art, with soft edges, like a jelly.
I like art which helps me feel better, that stops bad things from happening in the world. I want art that everyone likes, that everyone can enjoy. I don’t like art that damages the environment, or art that could upset people. I like art that I can understand, that speaks to me in my own language.
I like art that cats make, and the poor, and the blind. I like art that takes the time out of its busy schedule, just to check in with me and see how I am. I like art that can be by my side at all times, but also knows when I need my space. I like art with the same music tastes as me, and the same dietary requirements. I like art that votes for the same party as I do, that agrees with my thoughts on the economy and immigration.
I like art that stops me from choking at a Christmas party, rushing over and squeezing my diaphragm in just the right place to dislodge the vol-au-vent which would surely have ended my life.
I like art that my children can play with, but safely, without risk of harm. I like art that does not offend war veterans. I like art that doesn’t offend anyone. I like art that comes in a hygienic cellophane wrapper, see-through so you know exactly what’s inside.